Half a year already?

I'm almost embarrassed how little I post on this thing; I need to change that.  It was quite honestly my cousin posting a link to hers that reminded me of mine. So thanks for that!

Life is leaving my frustrated but only time will really be able to change that.  Even though I'm getting paid well to do practically nothing and financially I should be happy, I'm not; this job makes me miserable and the money leaves me empty. I'm just not wired to sit behind a desk and the work I do, while simple, stresses me out because it comes so much harder to me. I keep complaining about it but, since I'm not completely actively trying to change it, I feel I have no right to so I need to learn to keep my mouth shut until I start doing something to change it.

I have some job options but I need to get the ball rolling on that. I've already put in a "i'm interested in getting an application" form to the Disney store and I'm working on my resume for the Gaylord Opry. I need to call Disney and ask about when they will be getting applications and I need to get my mom to look at my resume so I can try the hotel. Both of these are needed to keep moving forward to our goal which is to work on a Disney cruise line. If Roddy and I get hired then, while we work for those six month sign-ons, we can save almost everything we make. If we do that then Roddy and I can live off of what he makes and everything I make can go to the cafe. Which is our end goal. I'm so excited about owning my own business, you don't even know. Being stuck at this job just reminds me how far away it is still. Another job option I have is to go back to Chili's but I really want to look forward instead of back and I really want to give Roddy a change to get hired there in case my going back jinxes things. He needs to get a job here before he can move here.

My boyfriend and I are getting closer which is a relief to me(remember when I thought he thought I was undesirable? Yeaaaaah, not right at all.), but it's bittersweet. Because we want to be closer so badly but we're not. We've grown closer in a way that my heart gets toxic and bitter when I can't see him. And before you say anything, it's not bitter in a "I have to blow off plans with everyone I love because I'm glued to him hip" dependent sort of way. When he was here visiting he had to stay with friends two nights and I was honestly fine. Just the fact that I had the option to see him, if my schedule allowed it, calmed my heart down. The toxic comes from the "I don't know when I'll see him again because we're so far away and even when I text him saying I'm not doing anything and he says the same, we can't see each other because we're two hours away from each other and that makes things near impossible because I have to wake up at 6:30 to go to a job I hate" thing. That and we're slowly figuring out how we work in person which is great because, even though I had no doubts we would, it's still great to know. The only stressful thing is the "female at birth" thing and it's not because I'm not okay with his body. I know HE isn't okay with his body and I don't want to remind him of things that shouldn't be there or that are missing. He says he's fine and that, since he isn't making any plans to change things it shouldn't be an issue, but....I still worry. Because I love him and I want him to not dread being alone with me. /I'm paranoid okay?

And..........I'm sure there is more but that's all I can think of right now. XD;; Thanks for reading.

New Year to-do list!

So here's where I will put my goals for this year, and the steps I hope to take to get to them.

Saving Money!

$1,000/$10,000 for the Cafe Summer and I are going to open up soon-ish. We already have almost $1,000. It's a minimum of $40 a paycheck. I'll be putting how much I save each paycheck below; I want you guys to get on my case if I don't save at least that much

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 Then I need $1,000 for my "just in case" accident fund for when I move out; for those little accidents and things that need emergency cash right away. HOPEFULLY another $40 per paycheck, but you never know.

I also need at LEAST $4,000 for when I move out. That's $167 ish per paycheck, if I want to do it all this year.

My last is that I AM going to start on my back tattoo this year. I've been wanting this design for over 6 years now and I think that's enough time to know that I really DO want this, and it's not a phase. That price will come when I get it.

All in all that's at LEAST $6,000 I have to save this year. O_o Wish me luck!! OTL

Projects

Read more books. I will add to the list as books come up/I finish them

• Sherlock Holmes

Make Lolita: It'll get pricey to keep buying them, so making my own seems like the best way to go.

Personal

STOP EATING OUT

I'm so lost

I don't know what I want from my parents.

When I first officially told them about me being pansexual, they didn't get it. My dad tried to make it seem like HE was pansexual too because he didn't care what gender his friends were and that I was confusing friendship with love. My mom told me all of her dreams for me died and treated it like a disease that I would never survive, like cancer.

It was hard enough being able to talk about "Lydia" around them until they finally met "her," because my dad and sister acted as if I was ashamed and it wasn't actually happening because they hadn't met "her" yet.  Things got a little better for a while until my mom finally told me that she would be okay having a "daughter"-in-law if that's what would make me happy. So I finally told her about Roddy being FtM trans.

Now they won't listen to me talk about him. My dad gets confused when I say Roddy and him and my mom always has to whisper to him who I'm talking about as if I'M the one making the mistake. They don't want to hear updates, they don't want to hear drama, they don't want to hear how happy he makes me or how important he is to me or how much I love him. They all still pray it's a phase. They accept it and aren't telling me I'm going to hell everyday but...

I want them to support it. It's not enough for me that they don't damn me to hell everyday. I want them to get as fired up as I am about the fight for equality. I want them to fight with me to insure people with the right to get married to the person they love, for ME their DAUGHTER to have the right to marry who I love. Even as I type this I'm CRYING out for them to hear this, sobbing in my room for what I need for them to want to do. I want them to want to carry banners and flags and signs saying that I'm human and I deserve these rights. I want them to fight with me so I can marry whoever I chose. I want them to support me and I want them to fight with me. I want one of those parents you see on tumblr; the ones who go to Pride parades and hold up banners and protest and do what they can for what's RIGHT. I want them to join my fellow Christians in this fight against judgement and cruelty and hate; I want them to join me in telling people that it's NOT wrong, that it IS love and that they're reading the Bible wrong. That what they're doing is WRONG and not what God would want at ALL. I want them to fight with me.

I just wanted them to acknowledge me at first, that's all I wanted. I wanted them to hear what I had to say and still act the same as they always did. And more-or-less they are doing just that. But it's not what I want.

I don't just want to heard and survive, I want to be listened to and supported and LIVE.

To Be or Not To Be

I feel like I can never date a biological male again. Because if I do then my parents will assume that I was kidding on the whole Pansexual thing and that I've "seen the light and made up my mind."

They don't understand what it means to be Pansexual and I know that, if I ever dated a biological male again, they'll think they were right that this was a phase and I really am heterosexual.

And it's driving me NUTS.

Interesting Day

My friends made me feel a little bit better and I'm glad I didn't feel the pressure to be super crazy happy like I always am. Because I'm not happy right now. And that's okay. I really do need to practice what I preach and realize that there IS something valid to them. It's okay that I'm not happy. It's okay that I lay here in bed and not want to wake up, change out of my pjs, eat, take a shower, clean my room, do my homework, or be happy. It's okay to do the bare minimum to keep myself alive. It shouldn't be how I live for the rest of my life, but it's okay to admit that you aren't happy and that you aren't okay.

I feel like it makes you strong. To be able to admit that you aren't okay, to drop that fake mask of "happy 24/7" and actually SHOW people that you aren't happy. I'm not perfect and I don't want to try to be. I have a hard enough time being myself, thank you very much.

I DO wish I didn't have to take antidepression medication....which is still barely working; I could never feel it working. I was always in a half dead state and I slept too much and I couldn't bring myself to do anything. But even as it was, it's somehow worse now that I've forgotten to take it for the last week.

I just....I've always believed that it's mind over matter; that if you try to be happy hard enough then you can grow past the awful things you're feeling. And sometimes you just can't, which is when you need outside help. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I need outside help through medication. What DOES make me feel ashamed is when even that doesn't help. Like, I'm too weak to do to make myself happy on my own and still too weak to do it even with the help of medication. What is WRONG with me?

Gosh, I hate this. The only good thing is Thursday. Thursday school will be over for me and I can finally figure out what to DO with my break.

(And I promise not all of my posts will be emo; I'll get over this soon hopefully)

First Post, Yay~

I gave in and made one because Summer told me to. XDD I'm hoping that this isn't going to bore whoever decides to read this.

And I HATE complaining for my first post but I just.....It's seriously on my mind.

Am I diseased? I am seriously starting to doubt whether or not I have ANY sort of sex appeal at all or if he listens to me at all or, if he does, maybe he's hoping that if he ignores the situation it'll go away. Well it's not. I want him to kiss me. I understand that he's asexual, really I do, and I've been completely supportive and thrown away my own needs because I want him to be the most comfortable he can be.

But we've been dating for almost a year and he's only kissed my cheek once. And it's not like I haven't talked to him about it; I've told him I want him to kiss me, I just don't know what he's comfortable with and where his lines are. I don't want to cross anything that he doesn't want me to. And you know what he said to that? That it made him happy. He didn't tell me what his boundaries are, whether or not I could kiss him, no hint on whether or not he was going to kiss me, NOTHING. And he did NOTHING the next time we saw each other, our first time seeing each other face to face since I talked. I understand that we're in a long-distance relationship and that these things might be hard to remember. But I said it was important to me. VERY important to me. And he simply said that it made him happy.

I feel like I'm diseased and gross and unwanted. I've never felt so unattractive before in my life, and that's including my ex constantly making me feel like I was never thin enough, like every pound I gained had to be made into a public announcement. I would understand if he said no to the kissing. That's why I asked in the fist place.

But I can't bring myself to ask again, I just can't. I opened up and made myself vulnerable and bared my deepest needs to him and all he said was that it made him happy. I don't know what to do and all I feel is undesired and not good enough. Because it's obviously something I've done.

Because it's all well and good that it made him happy, but he didn't give me an ANSWER which makes me feel unwanted.