My friends made me feel a little bit better and I'm glad I didn't feel the pressure to be super crazy happy like I always am. Because I'm not happy right now. And that's okay. I really do need to practice what I preach and realize that there IS something valid to them. It's okay that I'm not happy. It's okay that I lay here in bed and not want to wake up, change out of my pjs, eat, take a shower, clean my room, do my homework, or be happy. It's okay to do the bare minimum to keep myself alive. It shouldn't be how I live for the rest of my life, but it's okay to admit that you aren't happy and that you aren't okay.
I feel like it makes you strong. To be able to admit that you aren't okay, to drop that fake mask of "happy 24/7" and actually SHOW people that you aren't happy. I'm not perfect and I don't want to try to be. I have a hard enough time being myself, thank you very much.
I DO wish I didn't have to take antidepression medication....which is still barely working; I could never feel it working. I was always in a half dead state and I slept too much and I couldn't bring myself to do anything. But even as it was, it's somehow worse now that I've forgotten to take it for the last week.
I just....I've always believed that it's mind over matter; that if you try to be happy hard enough then you can grow past the awful things you're feeling. And sometimes you just can't, which is when you need outside help. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I need outside help through medication. What DOES make me feel ashamed is when even that doesn't help. Like, I'm too weak to do to make myself happy on my own and still too weak to do it even with the help of medication. What is WRONG with me?
Gosh, I hate this. The only good thing is Thursday. Thursday school will be over for me and I can finally figure out what to DO with my break.
(And I promise not all of my posts will be emo; I'll get over this soon hopefully)
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