I don't know what I want from my parents.
When I first officially told them about me being pansexual, they didn't get it. My dad tried to make it seem like HE was pansexual too because he didn't care what gender his friends were and that I was confusing friendship with love. My mom told me all of her dreams for me died and treated it like a disease that I would never survive, like cancer.
It was hard enough being able to talk about "Lydia" around them until they finally met "her," because my dad and sister acted as if I was ashamed and it wasn't actually happening because they hadn't met "her" yet. Things got a little better for a while until my mom finally told me that she would be okay having a "daughter"-in-law if that's what would make me happy. So I finally told her about Roddy being FtM trans.
Now they won't listen to me talk about him. My dad gets confused when I say Roddy and him and my mom always has to whisper to him who I'm talking about as if I'M the one making the mistake. They don't want to hear updates, they don't want to hear drama, they don't want to hear how happy he makes me or how important he is to me or how much I love him. They all still pray it's a phase. They accept it and aren't telling me I'm going to hell everyday but...
I want them to support it. It's not enough for me that they don't damn me to hell everyday. I want them to get as fired up as I am about the fight for equality. I want them to fight with me to insure people with the right to get married to the person they love, for ME their DAUGHTER to have the right to marry who I love. Even as I type this I'm CRYING out for them to hear this, sobbing in my room for what I need for them to want to do. I want them to want to carry banners and flags and signs saying that I'm human and I deserve these rights. I want them to fight with me so I can marry whoever I chose. I want them to support me and I want them to fight with me. I want one of those parents you see on tumblr; the ones who go to Pride parades and hold up banners and protest and do what they can for what's RIGHT. I want them to join my fellow Christians in this fight against judgement and cruelty and hate; I want them to join me in telling people that it's NOT wrong, that it IS love and that they're reading the Bible wrong. That what they're doing is WRONG and not what God would want at ALL. I want them to fight with me.
I just wanted them to acknowledge me at first, that's all I wanted. I wanted them to hear what I had to say and still act the same as they always did. And more-or-less they are doing just that. But it's not what I want.
I don't just want to heard and survive, I want to be listened to and supported and LIVE.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
To Be or Not To Be
I feel like I can never date a biological male again. Because if I do then my parents will assume that I was kidding on the whole Pansexual thing and that I've "seen the light and made up my mind."
They don't understand what it means to be Pansexual and I know that, if I ever dated a biological male again, they'll think they were right that this was a phase and I really am heterosexual.
And it's driving me NUTS.
They don't understand what it means to be Pansexual and I know that, if I ever dated a biological male again, they'll think they were right that this was a phase and I really am heterosexual.
And it's driving me NUTS.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Interesting Day
My friends made me feel a little bit better and I'm glad I didn't feel the pressure to be super crazy happy like I always am. Because I'm not happy right now. And that's okay. I really do need to practice what I preach and realize that there IS something valid to them. It's okay that I'm not happy. It's okay that I lay here in bed and not want to wake up, change out of my pjs, eat, take a shower, clean my room, do my homework, or be happy. It's okay to do the bare minimum to keep myself alive. It shouldn't be how I live for the rest of my life, but it's okay to admit that you aren't happy and that you aren't okay.
I feel like it makes you strong. To be able to admit that you aren't okay, to drop that fake mask of "happy 24/7" and actually SHOW people that you aren't happy. I'm not perfect and I don't want to try to be. I have a hard enough time being myself, thank you very much.
I DO wish I didn't have to take antidepression medication....which is still barely working; I could never feel it working. I was always in a half dead state and I slept too much and I couldn't bring myself to do anything. But even as it was, it's somehow worse now that I've forgotten to take it for the last week.
I just....I've always believed that it's mind over matter; that if you try to be happy hard enough then you can grow past the awful things you're feeling. And sometimes you just can't, which is when you need outside help. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I need outside help through medication. What DOES make me feel ashamed is when even that doesn't help. Like, I'm too weak to do to make myself happy on my own and still too weak to do it even with the help of medication. What is WRONG with me?
Gosh, I hate this. The only good thing is Thursday. Thursday school will be over for me and I can finally figure out what to DO with my break.
(And I promise not all of my posts will be emo; I'll get over this soon hopefully)
I feel like it makes you strong. To be able to admit that you aren't okay, to drop that fake mask of "happy 24/7" and actually SHOW people that you aren't happy. I'm not perfect and I don't want to try to be. I have a hard enough time being myself, thank you very much.
I DO wish I didn't have to take antidepression medication....which is still barely working; I could never feel it working. I was always in a half dead state and I slept too much and I couldn't bring myself to do anything. But even as it was, it's somehow worse now that I've forgotten to take it for the last week.
I just....I've always believed that it's mind over matter; that if you try to be happy hard enough then you can grow past the awful things you're feeling. And sometimes you just can't, which is when you need outside help. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I need outside help through medication. What DOES make me feel ashamed is when even that doesn't help. Like, I'm too weak to do to make myself happy on my own and still too weak to do it even with the help of medication. What is WRONG with me?
Gosh, I hate this. The only good thing is Thursday. Thursday school will be over for me and I can finally figure out what to DO with my break.
(And I promise not all of my posts will be emo; I'll get over this soon hopefully)
Monday, December 12, 2011
First Post, Yay~
I gave in and made one because Summer told me to. XDD I'm hoping that this isn't going to bore whoever decides to read this.
And I HATE complaining for my first post but I just.....It's seriously on my mind.
Am I diseased? I am seriously starting to doubt whether or not I have ANY sort of sex appeal at all or if he listens to me at all or, if he does, maybe he's hoping that if he ignores the situation it'll go away. Well it's not. I want him to kiss me. I understand that he's asexual, really I do, and I've been completely supportive and thrown away my own needs because I want him to be the most comfortable he can be.
But we've been dating for almost a year and he's only kissed my cheek once. And it's not like I haven't talked to him about it; I've told him I want him to kiss me, I just don't know what he's comfortable with and where his lines are. I don't want to cross anything that he doesn't want me to. And you know what he said to that? That it made him happy. He didn't tell me what his boundaries are, whether or not I could kiss him, no hint on whether or not he was going to kiss me, NOTHING. And he did NOTHING the next time we saw each other, our first time seeing each other face to face since I talked. I understand that we're in a long-distance relationship and that these things might be hard to remember. But I said it was important to me. VERY important to me. And he simply said that it made him happy.
I feel like I'm diseased and gross and unwanted. I've never felt so unattractive before in my life, and that's including my ex constantly making me feel like I was never thin enough, like every pound I gained had to be made into a public announcement. I would understand if he said no to the kissing. That's why I asked in the fist place.
But I can't bring myself to ask again, I just can't. I opened up and made myself vulnerable and bared my deepest needs to him and all he said was that it made him happy. I don't know what to do and all I feel is undesired and not good enough. Because it's obviously something I've done.
Because it's all well and good that it made him happy, but he didn't give me an ANSWER which makes me feel unwanted.
And I HATE complaining for my first post but I just.....It's seriously on my mind.
Am I diseased? I am seriously starting to doubt whether or not I have ANY sort of sex appeal at all or if he listens to me at all or, if he does, maybe he's hoping that if he ignores the situation it'll go away. Well it's not. I want him to kiss me. I understand that he's asexual, really I do, and I've been completely supportive and thrown away my own needs because I want him to be the most comfortable he can be.
But we've been dating for almost a year and he's only kissed my cheek once. And it's not like I haven't talked to him about it; I've told him I want him to kiss me, I just don't know what he's comfortable with and where his lines are. I don't want to cross anything that he doesn't want me to. And you know what he said to that? That it made him happy. He didn't tell me what his boundaries are, whether or not I could kiss him, no hint on whether or not he was going to kiss me, NOTHING. And he did NOTHING the next time we saw each other, our first time seeing each other face to face since I talked. I understand that we're in a long-distance relationship and that these things might be hard to remember. But I said it was important to me. VERY important to me. And he simply said that it made him happy.
I feel like I'm diseased and gross and unwanted. I've never felt so unattractive before in my life, and that's including my ex constantly making me feel like I was never thin enough, like every pound I gained had to be made into a public announcement. I would understand if he said no to the kissing. That's why I asked in the fist place.
But I can't bring myself to ask again, I just can't. I opened up and made myself vulnerable and bared my deepest needs to him and all he said was that it made him happy. I don't know what to do and all I feel is undesired and not good enough. Because it's obviously something I've done.
Because it's all well and good that it made him happy, but he didn't give me an ANSWER which makes me feel unwanted.
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